genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
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WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
*me flirting
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.