Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
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my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
My birthstone is kidney
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
catch me on valentine’s day like
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I am a gravy boat captain
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me