ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
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Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong