Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
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Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.