Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
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WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Remember folks 😂
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
This kinda thing happens to me often
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.