I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
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Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place