30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
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me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Baller is short for ballerina
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.