[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
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If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).