“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
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observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Sometimes? I’m slipping
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”