My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
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Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Shoo shoo! 😂
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
when someone compliments me
This could be us, but you weedin’.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.