Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
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My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home