this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
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Basically.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
White Castle for the Win
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.