[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
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If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that