My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
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With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Cake!!
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
fourth time’s the charm