People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
You Might Also Like
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago