Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
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This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Every house has this drawer
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.