[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
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I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me