I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
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Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream