[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
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Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
do what now??
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb