21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
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since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I think this should do it.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”