If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
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Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no