I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
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I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
what
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*