[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
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Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
my lower back watching me try to live my life
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car