People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
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My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick