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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
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why no one uses midhusbands
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
#CatsOnTwitter
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone