Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
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So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.