Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
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Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*