The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
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Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights