I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
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“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Hey I worked for it too!
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?