Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
You Might Also Like
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start