I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
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Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”