{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
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Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes