7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
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Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Overindulged this afternoon.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.