Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
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Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Sheep
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒