Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
You Might Also Like
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.