“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
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[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”