[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
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Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”