Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
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Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
some Old Testament wisdom
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.