Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
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just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
This sounds bad:
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie