Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
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Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.