Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
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A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot