coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
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all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
anyone else like Italian cereal
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.