Somebody call the cops.
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I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]