Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
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7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?