“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
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To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”