How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
You Might Also Like
Does this dress make me look cat?
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂