blocked.
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I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
what it’s like dating me:
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff