me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
You Might Also Like
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts