Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
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“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.