eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
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Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
😩😩😩
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.